Let's hang ourselves on the trees

One romantic eve

And let the breeze sway our feet

a little high above the sands;

upon which our names are written-

martyrs of our island-

where gods of foreign, band

together as one

driving away the native spirit of man. 

But dusk is at hand

Before our fated end,

My friend-

Will you smile

with me

After sunset? 

Let's hang ourselves on the trees

one romantic eve

and let the breeze sway our feet

a little high above the sands;

upon which our names are written-

martyrs of our island-

where gods of foreign, band

together as one,

to cleanse the native spirit of man.

And when dusk is at hand

before our vital end

my friend,

will you smile

with me

even after sunset?

[I took your line and used it in a different context. I'm curious what your version will be like. Send it over won't you?]

will you still love me even if i'm no longer handsome, rich, strong, popular, powerful

Cliche much? I was expecting someting more than that...

Of course if you read my explaination, that's cliche.
But of course, it could mean something else.
That's the beauty of a poem that can stand layers of meanings.
Now if you have other meanings, please point that out, aside from the points you have put in your poem.
By the way, it's not a good writing of including someone else poem in one's poem without asking permission from the author.

Now if you think you have other meanings, hten

For whatever reason, your poem is blatant... or rather rhetoric. And yes I suppose taking someone's lines and forming a different poem altogether may seem rude but really- I'm just saying in a nice way, "you gotta write more than that for a full constructive criticism."

But if you find that taking your poem a little further as insulting, I would say you're no poet at all. True poets would find it rather amusing wouldn't you think? 

I am so sorry, I can't buy your idea of taking someone's poem without asking permission from the author.
That is simple plagiarism.
And great poet, or any writer for that matter, should never do that.
Even if you think that is for the improvement of a poem.
I am sorry, if this poem is blatant.  You have every right to say it.
But what is blatant? Obvious?
Or something else? As this line says:" Kim wrote a blatantly brilliant paper"
Shall I write more lines to it perhaps to give more information about the poem?
Do you think that would be an insult  to the intelligence of the readers!
Again, thank you so much for taking time on my work.

Your poem may be interesting in the way that it is arranged. However, it is too vague.

Will you smile
with me
after sunset?

That could be set in several different situations but as a poet, I suggest you come up with a specific scenario with those three lines. It is so that I understand you as a poet, what personality you have, and how you percieve the world. You could be a negative type of person; a sadonist, a masochist, an ego-centric individual, or a romantist, and so on and so forth.

I used your poem in an attempt to tell you, you must tell me more so I know how you see the world around you. Is that a clearer explanation? I do hope so.

And you don't have to worry about plagiarising cause I'm not gonna published the poem I wrote as a sample for you, simply because they are done out of spite. I have my poems that I do not post simply because I don't want to reveal my own identity. ^_^

I'm just a bored anonymous poet who goes around reading other works and doing my best to help them improve. Obviously, the way I do it offends them much. Thus I end here.

It was great getting to know you. ^.^