I once fell in love with a guy but it was too late. I blamed it on a wrong timing. We were both in the middle of transition in our respective personal and professional lives. I thought that it’s better to be wise than be sorry later. My life back then was complicated, so was his. So why should we get together, only to hurt each other and separate?
 
I made a decision. But somehow, through the years I couldn’t totally squelch the feeling of regrets of not taking the risks with him. The jealousy whenever I thought that someone else, already have her arms around him, even right now, while writing this piece.
 
I know; I could not possibly turn back the time. I cannot change and unmake what is at present nor do I hope to change the future for me and for him … People change. In just one year or even one month, once he meets someone new and finds himself in more intimate and loving situation, it could alter everything. He may forget me …
 
Few weeks back, I was watching a TV series about an investigation that they thought was a crime of passion but it turned out that it was purely an accident. Still, the parents of the victim refuse to accept the results and insist that there’s a foul play. The program’s main protagonist answered them that evidences and witnesses already proved that it was not a foul play and his line caught my attention. He said, “It’s hard to find closure if you will not learn to accept the reality…”
 
Perhaps, that’s the reason why I’m having a hard time moving on. I was chasing closures, answers to my questions, which I never asked him, out of fear for disappointing answers. Or maybe out of shame for deciding too soon without asking him first. Probably out of panic to feel misery or remained having that guilt feeling for not giving us both the chance to make things work between us.
 
It’s like a loose thread, trying to tie the knots into ends to make me stop wondering. Still I couldn’t bring myself to do, holding on to that tiny hope, clinging on to that last vestige of anticipation.
 
Instead of accepting that probably we were not meant to be together; I still hold on to whimsical notion and fantasy that someday we’ll be in each other’s arms. That fate will find a way for us to cross paths and fulfill whatever we started but never finished. Though I maintain the thought that we make our own destiny, still I once prayed that fate may intervene and work hand in hand with lady luck and give me, my heart desires.
 
That’s why I’m doomed to keep on chasing the closure I crave for. I still haven’t learned to accept the fact that he’s forever lost from me and we are not really meant to be … *****
 

freelance writer; writes essays, short stories, feature articles and other forms of writings.