Spend some time killing time while waiting for my friend to log out of the shift. Just browsing sites, mails and names on the list.. whatever things that arouse my curiosity. There is no exact thing on my mind, just keep on checking the net for stuff. Then I decided to check this update on my friend’s blog. It’s a nice thing to read something from him since it’s been a long time since we last talk. It quite a mushy poem written, and also a quite sad one. But somehow it leads me to view another name on a listing within my account.

The moment I seen that message, I died. Shocked! SO much stunned on how those words flow freely from him, with so much care and enthusiasm to her, for her. Unknowingly, I became paralyzed. The world around me seems to lose its senses. Everything falls and crashes despite the happy things that are going on with my work. I shout but there is nothing that came out from my mouth. A deep grievance for I know I lost a very important person in my life.. a person who knows me well, my friend, and my fortress. Someone whom I shared so many things in my life, whom I consider my strength.

The simplicity of it just determined why there is a long silence that exists between for almost 2 months. I merely thought that those instances of less talks and messages is just another time for making stuff and settling papers so he can prepare for his departure. Yes, as my friends call him, a very busy person. I know he is and I understand the pressure from the expectation of his family from him. Somehow, I am used that we rarely talk and see each other unlike the occasion we use to spend together. And within twelve months, spend being with him for I never thought he will change. But fate had its own measure of things. Never it occurred to me that there is another reason on the stillness I have with him. That thing is going good for him and her.

And here I go again, back to the old state, state of vulnerability. I thought I’m through this phase. For I learn to be strong, to be resilient, and to put a sense of direction in my life because of him. Yet it still with him that I have to be hook on it again, to suffer more pains and troubles. Twelve months spend being with him for I never thought he will change. But fate had its own measure of things.

I guess my life is meant to that way, full of throbbing. So much pain arises in me. I guess this is how things are really meant for me, as a fresh set of bleeding is oozing again inadvertently. The suffering won’t stop this time easily as special moments keep lingering within my mind. Past instances that remains fresh. Memories that will remain to be special instance that remains fresh with me. These are the only though I can hold on, but it can never bring him back to me. He is gone and I am here alone.