Life as it is..
I have found a perfect place in the house where I can write.So many things are pouring out of my head I just don't know if I can write it all. Let me start by divulging the real truth in my head. I came home today, tried cooking on my own hoping it is going to taste like home. My emotional side is slowly taking control. I could not let that happen.I have too much in my plate now, one of which is thinking of a strategy to make through this week gaining the respect of my new team. Yet I could not help it. Deep inside I wonder if I am truly happy with who I am and what I have become. Wondering if I am a leader, asking myself if I truly deserve holding a group and if I am worth it. If the people I have led really learned something from me, have I motivated them? have I left anything in them? Maybe. or maybe not.
Another thing bugging me is the fact that I no longer know how to make myself be happy on my own. My world revolves in making others happy. Sometimes it hurts me because I know they can never give it back. They try its just that sometimes, its just not consistent. I think of my son, he makes me happy regardless if he slaps me so many times and yet I know he missess me. Then I come to think of friends, do I have real ones? yes, but I have not seen them for so long. I have lost touch.. Am I a good friend? I guess not.
My bestfriend, I have never seen for so long. I attempted to see her but then again there were things that were supposed to do. What is it in me that I really wish to do? Wish to accomplish. I need to know. Get hold of who I was then to make a better me now. I was full of life, full of hope, full of enthusiasm. Now all I am is a girl sitting home hoping for a message. Hoping that things were better. Hoping that I am wrong in more ways that I can think of.
I hated uncertainty. I had a backup plan for everything, now all I am is just a person hoping that tomorrow will be better than today. I have nothing against my work. Nothing against the company I work for or the people I work with. I am just against me not realizing who and what I want. All for something I don't even know what. I hope for things that are hopeless. I set my self to expect for something that bounds me to only become frustrated in the end. Can you walk out of life and start all over again? Is that really what I want? I dont know what I truly want anymore. It pains me everytime I am in this dilemma.
Over time, I should have learned life's lesson... We see it and we just dont recognize it. Life is too short, and regardless of its shortness we fail to realize that we loose ourselves in the process of making others matter. It is our nature to be who we are. Yet we strive so hard to depend on others to make our lives better and happier. I am becoming that person.
I need to do something that would allow me to vent out. I would want to travel to tagaytay and shout at the top of my lungs. I want to release all anger, hurt and frustration. I have never travelled alone. Well if Cebu to Manila counts then maybe I have. Now I want to set a goal for myself. I will travel on my own before this year ends. Go somewhere not knowing anyone. Just sit in a quiet place. Just think of how life has been to me. I dont want to die not realizing how I have lived my life.
I was independent. I was me. Now I am lost. I am drowned by the thought that maybe somehow the people around me would realize what little thing I ask of them. Think of me, how I feel think of what I want-- even for a day or two. A moment is not too much to ask is it?
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Thanks JC
Submitted by mydearangel22 on December 11, 2008 - 8:28pm.
Sometimes.. people just don't know what happiness is... in this case, I often wonder what happened to the person I once was.
Maybe the season is affecting me, maybe the thought that I will never have what I have given is more painful than what really is happening. I would probably need to stop, sit and read tuesdays with morrie in tagaytay while sipping a hot coffee in starbucks.
That would be my christmas gift to myself. Thanks!
It is important to remember that we all have magic inside us.
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happiness
Submitted by majancemarie on December 12, 2008 - 9:30am.
jance
its only us who can make ourselves happy...nasa atin kung gusto nating masaktan..malungkot..magdusa...
We are the one who are controling our own lives... we wont just allow anybody to hold our breath and just take it away...
life is ur own choice...
"Just always smile and nothing in this worl you can handle" motto ko yan sana maraming mahawa...hehehe nice day!
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yup happiness is a stae of mind...
Submitted by majancemarie on December 12, 2008 - 9:29am.
jance
yup tama ka but its only us who can make ourselves happy...nasa atin kung gusto nating masaktan..malungkot..magdusa...
We are the one who are controling our own lives... we wont just allow anybody to hold our breath and just take it away...
life is ur own choice...
"Just always smile and nothing in this worl you can handle" motto ko yan sana maraming mahawa...hehehe nice day!
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always follow your heart
always follow your heart says..but sometimes using our mind is necessary..Kung san ka masaya go 4 it..
Pain is constant...
sufferring is an option...
happiness is just a state of mind..(tuesdays with morrie)