My Mother and the Menacing Machines
I just paid a visit to the hospital this morning to get some lab tests done. While waiting at the counter of the Nuclear Medicine, I caught sight of the monstrous machine lurking behind the glass door a few paces from me, its hapless victim strapped in and motionless. I didn’t know what it was. It looked just about the same as the other machines that manhandled my mother many birthdays ago. It too looked just as cold and vicious as the others. And with a jolt, it awakened such melancholy memories of the person that I loved most in the whole wide world.
I remember accompanying mother to her many visits to the hospital that I really lost count. It felt as if it was our second home, only that it never really made us feel welcome.
I could remember feeling so utterly helpless as I watch her hold her head up as best as she could while waiting for her turn on the machines. She was so frail and weak physically and yet her spirit was unfailing.
I vaguely recall her brace herself from the touch of cold steel or plastic against her tiny frame every time she went through x-rays, CT scans, bone density scans and ultrasound. She would shiver from the cold because she was literally all skin and bones. She didn’t want to be left alone inside a huge room with such menacing machines so I sometimes had to wear a 5-kilo apron to protect myself from radiation. I sometimes even kidded myself of blowing my chances of having my own offspring one day.
She was a lot braver in the face of needles. Pricking her skin never made her wince, except when they had to inject viscous liquid into her veins. That was the only time I saw her snap at an attendant.
The only time I saw her gave up on a test was when she had to go through endoscopy. I was made to wait outside the doctor’s clinic so I didn’t know how it really went. She only told me later that she gagged with every attempt so that the doctor gave up on her entirely.
All 5 feet 2 inches and 80 pounds of my mother being ushered from door to door, being helped in and out of just about every torturous device that one could conjure, really had me grabbing at every ounce of strength that I could muster. Yet, when I felt that I wanted to give up, my mother’s solid resolve to stay as unperturbed as she could kept me going.
I miss her terribly. I wouldn’t mind going through the entire ordeal all over again and for the rest of my life. But I don’t want to see her suffer any more than she had to endure. And so I find release in the thought that she is now free and beautiful as ever. Dolly is finally safe in the arms of her loving Father.
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amen amen kay robert!
Submitted by dollysbigbaby on March 18, 2010 - 8:24am.
wag kang matakot. kanya kanyang trials lang naman yan e. tsaka sabi nga di ba, God will give you the grace to weather all trials that come your way.
thanks for dropping by!
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awww..
Submitted by Luca on March 17, 2010 - 11:32pm.
bakler, napapacry naman ako dito...
Matalino naman ako, mabait, may hitsura—masuwerte daw ang lalaking makakatuluyan ko.
Masuwerte at imaginary.
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ahuhu
Submitted by dollysbigbaby on March 18, 2010 - 8:27am.
nakakahawa naman kayo e. nung sinulat ko to, di naman ako naga-cry, naga-long fezz lang ba.
sayang ang foundation. kainis... makapag retats nga.
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to mother...
Submitted by Luca on March 18, 2010 - 11:47pm.
kampaii!!!
Matalino naman ako, mabait, may hitsura—masuwerte daw ang lalaking makakatuluyan ko.
Masuwerte at imaginary.
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I'm crying..
Submitted by neutron on March 18, 2010 - 4:20am.
Mom was in coma for 6 months in the hospital and her last 2 months at home. It was really hard and it made me remember the months I "go home" in the hospital because we (my dad and I), literally, were already staying there. It was so hard with all those machines and tests on a body that can do nothing but cry.
Thanks for your post. It really made me cry. It made me reflect that despite all those, it made me a stronger and better person. :)
- I'd still walk a million miles for just one of your kisses.
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hello kindred spirit
Submitted by dollysbigbaby on March 18, 2010 - 8:40am.
in a sense, i can say i am luckier kasi my mother had been conscious all throughout her ordeal. kaso almost 2 years din syang nag-suffer. matagal-tagal na pagtitiis din para sa kanya.
i really didn't expect such reaction yesterday at the hospital. kasi it's been 6 years na since mama passed away. and i've been in and out of hospitals in all those years.
naisip ko lang na sayang, if i had been as spiritually and emotionally matured then as i am now, mas naging magaan siguro para sa kanya. kasi noon i'd lose my temper every so often. hay...
memories of mama's suffering do not make me cry anymore. kasi i have come to realize their worth. ang mas nagpapaiyak sa akin ay yung fact that i miss her so much, tsaka similar stories of other people like you.
thanks also for sharing.
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smile lines
Submitted by Joaquin Basoalto on March 19, 2010 - 1:04am.
Odin gave one of his eyes to Mimir, in exchange for wisdom, even though the coming of Ragnarok is inevitable—death. But laughter in facing the life-stealing cresent scythe was only the beginning of their victory. Same for the Greeks and the Romans who fell, but came after to conquer the whole world.
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whoa! nose bleed!...
Submitted by dollysbigbaby on March 19, 2010 - 4:44pm.
i had to brush up on my norse mythology 101 with this one. i think what you're saying is victorious rising after a fall, kinda like the phoenix . am i right? that's precisely the point of my whole ordeal with mother.
thanks for dropping by!
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kinda
Submitted by Joaquin Basoalto on March 19, 2010 - 11:27pm.
I don't know about the phoenix thing. The heroes in Norse died resisting, and your mother as well. Enough to have a seat in Valhalla 
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OIC!
Submitted by dollysbigbaby on March 20, 2010 - 9:29am.
i thought it was about me... hehehe
Thanks for the enlightenment! 
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girl nakakaloka yung comment...
Submitted by Luca on March 22, 2010 - 12:22am.
hahaha... mamam tayey!!!
may papa-boys ka pa sakin.
Matalino naman ako, mabait, may hitsura—masuwerte daw ang lalaking makakatuluyan ko.
Masuwerte at imaginary.
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hahaha... hay naku, girl
Submitted by dollysbigbaby on March 22, 2010 - 8:57am.
pramis kelangan kong magpa-emergency... naagasan ang puny brain ko ng pints upong pints of blood sa comment na etech!
ahihi
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siguro kung father yung
Submitted by d-younker on March 19, 2010 - 10:15am.
siguro kung father yung tinukoy mo, 'di ko maaappreciate.
so it's good na mother yung subject kaya natouch talaga ko.
(pengeng tissue.)
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hello pretty girl
Submitted by dollysbigbaby on March 19, 2010 - 4:49pm.
actually, naunang pumanaw si papa. on my 14th birthday to be exact. but i was much too young then and my mother (na naman, as expected) bore the whole weight of the loss, syempre to shield us, her children. kaya mas may impact ang pagkawala ni mama para sa amin kasi relatively recent lang yun at nag-alaga talaga kaming magkapatid sa kanya.
thanks for visiting. naubusan ako ng tissue e. eto na lang manggas ko o...
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naubusan ako ng tissue e.
Submitted by d-younker on March 19, 2010 - 6:27pm.
naubusan ako ng tissue e. eto na lang manggas ko o...
natawa naman ako dito.
hehe.
'maalaala mo kaya' na nga ang moment ko eh.
ang sad ng story mo.
pengeng manggas.:)
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yes, sad ang story ng buhay ko
Submitted by dollysbigbaby on March 20, 2010 - 9:30am.
pero happy ako. and that's the most important thing!
eto ang isa kong pang manggas. 
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right ! dahil jan, kampay !
Submitted by d-younker on March 20, 2010 - 1:56pm.
right !
dahil jan, kampay ! ;)
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baby, (ayus parang chickboi)
Submitted by Luca on March 22, 2010 - 12:25am.
pansin ko lang, maraming mga MMK moments ang mga taong papapaparty people...
hay, such is life, to whom much pain is given, much joy flows forth.
parang balon lang yan, pag mas malalim ang hukay, mas maraming tubig.
ayos... imbento ko lang yan
Matalino naman ako, mabait, may hitsura—masuwerte daw ang lalaking makakatuluyan ko.
Masuwerte at imaginary.
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wow! at nalunod ako...
Submitted by dollysbigbaby on March 22, 2010 - 9:15am.
ika nga ng aking bestfriend na makata, KAREK!
dear ate luca,
itago mo ako sa pangalang ligaya. ako'y isang tao na wari mo'y nakaukit ang mga ngiti at halakhak sa mukha. maraming nag-aakalang pinanganak akong kakambal ang ligaya't karangyaan. walang mag-aakala na may masalimuot pala akong nakaraan...
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at least...
Submitted by dollysbigbaby on March 22, 2010 - 8:41pm.
yung brain nagdrip sa mata, hindi sa ears. otherwise... eeeeeeeewwwwwwwwww!!!!
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naks. kainlove ang mga
Submitted by d-younker on March 23, 2010 - 6:25pm.
naks.
kainlove ang mga linya.
hehe.
parang balon lang yan, pag mas malalim ang hukay, mas maraming tubig.
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.
This is touching and scary too. Sana di ko maranasan to. Baka di ko kayanin.
I believe that imagination is stronger than knowledge - myth is more potent than history - dreams are more powerful than facts - hope always triumphs over experience - laughter is the cure for grief - love is stronger than death.
-Robert Fulghum