My Mr. Experiment

I first got to know him on the 24th of March, 2010. It was my last day joining the Alpha members at St. Franciscan Church in Ropponggi, Tokyo. I have known him and have met with him a couple of times before, but it was only on that evening that we've actually hung out.

During the Alpha meeting, he was, as usual, helping out in the kitchen making himself busy. He made this salad sauce made of herbs that no one in our group dared to touch. He said it was an experiment of sorts and interested as I was, I whispered, "Experiment, aye I don't mind me tryin' it." I felt his eyes on me and I knew I caught his attention. He joined me at our table when he saw me eating the salad with his infamous sauce. A little on a shy side, he pulled another empty chair beside me to not seem obvious that he was curious to know my opinion on his salad experiment. I thought it was cute, if not a little daunting. I ignored him the whole time, waiting for him to talk to me, but I found he was too shy and perhaps a little embarrassed to speak. Later on, over the counter in the kitchen, I praised his experiment to have been "one of a kind" and his friend laughed wholeheartedly.

Before coming back to Japan, I made a deal with my dad. If I did not find a stable job in Japan until mid-March I am to return home to Manila on the 31st. I thought then, that was it-- I will leave the group without saying good-bye, but two of my good friends within the Alpha group invited me for a cup of late coffee and I couldn't resist. It was, after all, my last day- might as well spend it with friends.

I had no idea that Mr. Experiment would be coming along.

We ended up going to an Irish Pub, instead and there, Mr. Experiment opened up to us about his deceased best friend. He spoke about how his friend committed suicide and his guilt for not being there for him. I felt his pain for I had similar experience, although unlike him, I saved my own from killing himself. I tried to comfort Mr. Experiment and somehow in the effort, got him to like me enough to ask for my phone number and email address.

He walked me to the station that evening, in a pouring rain, my hand holding onto his arm as he held up the umbrella for us, both. Tall with light green eyes and a handsome smile, I felt very much at home with him so when he asked for us to meet again, I couldn't say no. As I was about to hold out my hand in a form of a handshake, he pulled me to him and hugged me. I was surprised. I laughed it out, thinking that it’s just his friendly way of getting to know people…

We planned for another hang-out the following evening at the same place and it was one of the most enjoyable evenings I've had in a while and it reminded me how much fun it is to hang out with men. Most of the time he talked a lot about himself and I really didn't mind it at all. I listened intentively, stealing glances into his beautiful green eyes and stroking his hand whenever I felt sympathy for his life and experiences. I had no idea I was sending signals that he might have mistaken for love. As we walked down a street after dinner, the rain still pouring since the night before, he clasped his hand into mine. I was surprised. I tried to ignore it, but as I held onto his hand, I felt so nervous I slipped and hurt my ankle.

Mr. Experiment was horrified and he immediately apologized. I asked him, innocently, why though we both know exactly why I slipped: I was nervous with him holding my hand as if we were lovers and it was only our second night together.

He jokingly offered to lift me and carry me in his arms, but I reassured him that I am used to having sprained my ankle and that I can walk to the station.

"Just let me cool my ankle for a bit." I told him.

We stopped by Starbucks just to cool off my ankle and talked some more. My foot resting on his knees, I thought nothing could be more romantic than this and laughed at my own silliness. I tried to tell myself to not let my emotion control my logic, but the longer we stayed together, the more he wants to be with me and it tore me apart. The look on his face when the barista informed us that they were going to close for the night was unforgettable. He looked disappointed. Seeing his face like that with my leg on his lap, I felt joy like I never knew before.

Going home, he walked me all the way to the station platform. He was holding my umbrella and his own as he guided me. The train arrived and realizing I didn’t have my umbrella, he leaned over and pointed to his cheek. Automatically, I kissed his cheek without question and only after he had handed my umbrella over to me did I realized what I just did. I felt tricked, but in a pleasant sort of way. I looked back and he waved from the stairs, a big grin on his face like a happy kid who just got his new bike.
I couldn’t help but laugh as I waved goodnight.

He texted me that evening, telling me how excited he was and how he couldn’t sleep and asked that I come to see him play at another pub up in Jiyuugaoka along the Naka Meguro line. Once again, despite the red flag warning me to stop, I promised that I will definitely see him. I thought my friends would also be there, so it shouldn’t be strange that I go but when I arrived, they weren’t there. There was only him and I felt a little embarrassed. I tried so hard to act normal that I didn’t realized he dedicated one of the songs they played, to me.
He later told me about it on the train going back to Ropponggi , where our friends were waiting for us to join them at a Karaoke bar. It was then, 11:45 pm. I was starting to get nervous about us being together so often, just when I am about to leave the country.
We talked in the train, and I told him an about an incident earlier in the day when one of my co-workers tried to kiss me good-bye. And I caught his expression, far and distant as he murmured,

“Yeah, when you kiss someone it should be somewhere hidden.”

I felt awkward, but I laughed it off. Since then I kept catching him look at my lips before looking away. And I grew afraid. I couldn’t wait for us to be with friends again. Being with him alone was beginning to scare me.

I tried to calm myself down by constantly talking about things that don’t matter. We were so engrossed with our conversation, we missed our stop and we had to go back three stops. Although Mr. Experiment said that my conversation with him made him miss the station, I felt that he did it intentionally. He wanted for us to be alone some more.
12 am midnight and the train stopped at Hiroo, one station away from our destination. We got out of the subway and had to take the taxi. Again, we were alone together for about 20 minutes and I had a feeling that Mr. Experiment planned it all along.
I didn’t know if I was supposed to be happy or scared, but I felt I will let him have his way. Then my aunt called me, worried that I haven’t returned home. I told her I was with Mr. Experiment and instead of feeling at ease she was even anxious, especially when she found that we were alone together.

Even our friends wondered what took us so long and I found it strange that Mr. Experiment wasn’t entirely honest about it, either. When I tried to tell them, he pulled me behind him.

My dear aunt told my friends, who were also her friends that I haven’t been home and haven’t been in contact with her. And her friends, discovering that I was with Mr. Experiment tried to separate us the whole time we were at the Karaoke Bar.

I knew he has a girlfriend who hates him and only uses him for social display. My aunt knew him and she told me. I knew he was lonely and looking for someone to fulfill his loneliness. I let him because I felt that I can’t be affected. I let him because I felt he needed it. I let him because I wanted to enjoy my final days in Japan. I never knew I would fall for it.

After the karaoke night, we parted. As if to reassure me that he isn’t in love, he hugged every girl goodnight. And I felt at ease. However, as we part ways at the ticket booth. I felt a tugging at my heart. I looked back and saw him smile at me sheepishly. I smiled back and went on ahead. I had no idea he wanted me to hug him.

Back home at 5 in the morning, I felt anguish like I never felt before. I cried and confessed to my aunt that I have fallen for Mr. Experiment – the guy she had warned me about, the first night we were together. She tried to comfort me, constantly shaking her head, her brows tied in a knot.

“You silly girl!” She scolded me.

“I told you to stay longer, but no you insisted on going back home to the Philippines! I told you to be careful and look at you now!”

And then, “If you both are meant for each other, there’s always a way. Wait for him to come to you. Wait for him to confess. Don’t you ever tell him that you love him, first.” She warned.

I pulled myself together. I texted him by phone that day and asked if he still want for us to meet on Monday the 29th, the following week to see the Sakura Blossoms in Meguro. He responded with a yes and that he is available from three to five in the afternoon. I thought then, it’s too short and declined, thanking him for the fun times spent together.

He didn’t respond until Sunday evening. He sent me an email and it hit me. He said he thought we had a connection and that it was a pity we couldn’t continue seeing each other because “You’re the coolest Japanese, Spanish, Indian and Filipina I’ve ever met”. I thought he wanted to tell me that he is interested in me … maybe even in love with me. I didn’t want to email him back. Instead, I went to him. I went to Toritsudaigaku the following day and told him that I will be waiting at the station.

He looked so enthralled to see me again or was it just him panting from all the cycling? He rode his bike from Gakugeidaigaku all the way to Toritsudaigaku, one station away. I felt happy and sad at the same time and he noticed my facial expression.

I told him that I wasn’t supposed to meet him then, but that his letter made me think otherwise. What was he thinking? I asked him if he loves his girlfriend and he said sometimes. I asked him if he wants to marry her. He refused to answer. I would have given him my answer had he made a decision, there and then, but we’ve only just begun. Even the sakura trees on the streets tell me it’s too early, the flowers weren’t in full bloom. It was raining again, too and I realized that it always rained when we meet.

It didn’t rain on Sunday … it didn’t rain the day before … how ill fated, I thought.

I felt that we were battling with each other, somehow, beneath all the fun walking and talking. And once again, our conversation made us lose track of time and being unfamiliar with the location, we got lost. Since I kept insisting that I return the favor for the taxi ride the other night, he wanted me to take this opportunity to do it. Did he want us to end it that day? I wondered.

Walking with him, I noted his frugality. He’d ride his bike rather than take the train. He’d pick up trash that is still useful rather than buy a new one (it was a round light cover for his dining room); he’d buy coffee from a bending machine instead of going to a coffee shop-- was he trying to turn me off?

But just like him, I am also frugal. So instead of paying for taxi, I found a nice couple who willingly took us in and gave us a ride back to the station. We’ve wandered so far away, I was surprised. I kissed him on his cheek before we parted. I told him I can always come back and if he’s still interested, we can pick up from where we’ve left off…

That night, I asked him via text-message if he was able to arrive safely home in the rain with the light cover. He said yes.

“The light cover fits! Thank you for the free taxi ride. You really charmed them (the Japanese couple).” He added, “Sorry I wasn’t much help.” I texted him back, “You, silly! You’ve always helped me. You just don’t know it…”
He didn’t respond. An hour later, I texted him my last message,

“I’m glad the light cover fits!

It was good that we got lost.

We found you free light cover!”

It has been a week since then, Mr. Experiment haven’t contacted me and today, I felt so empty … I miss him terribly. What do I do?