A lot of people romanticize writers and the craft of writing. Writers are supposed to be sensitive souls privy to the strange cosmic forces that shape the universe. Writers are supposed to be philosopher-poets, mysterious and wise. Writers are supposed to be sorcerers who turn the stuff of dreams into words. At the very least, non-writers, or those who want to be writers themselves, envy professional writers because writing seems like a job that entails no hard work in the nine-to-five sense of that word. Outsiders think writers are cerebral cosmonauts who get paid for the things that appear magically inside their heads... the bizarre gifts of the invisible muses.

I say fuck that. The people most responsible for this quasi-cosmic view of writing are writers themselves. Here’s the straight dope, folks: there’s no sorcery behind it. Writers have a skill as mundane as cooking or carpentry. Gawd, but I’m sick and tired of writers who present the craft as some sort of magical act that requires power beyond those of mortal men. A writer who talks about inspiration, writer’s block, mood, and all that hogwash is a pompous fucktard. Theoretically, anyone with an average IQ can be a competent writer. Not great, perhaps, but good enough. Greatness, now that comes with genius. But I’m not here to talk about great writing. Either you have it or you don’t. That’s my only concession to the alleged mystery of the art. I’m here to talk about competent writing. That kind that puts bread on your table.

How does one become a competent writer then? Read a lot and write a lot. That’s all there is to it. If you read a lot and write as much then you’ve got it made and there’s no way short of a lobotomy that you can fail to write competently. What you read will lead you to read more, which will lead you to write your own shit, which will lead you to master the skill of manipulating language and imaginary events until they please your audience. In the case of television and movie writing, watching TV and movies a lot is an added requirement because that is a visual medium. An added requirement, notice, not the entirety of it. I’m appalled at how some of the film and TV writers I’ve known have confessed that they don’t like reading that much; that they’d rather watch movies or TV. That’s like saying you want to be a cook but you don’t want to actually cut up meat and vegetables. While movies and TV shows educate the writer on how to tell a story visually, actual reading fills your brain with the stuff that you will use to create situations, characters, emotions, etc. What I’m getting at is that the stuff you read about enriches your imagination. And until the technology for Matrix-style direct cerebral input is perfected, there are no shortcuts to reading.

Counter-argument: living the shit is better than reading about it.

Okay, first-hand experience is great. The only problem is that if you’ll write about nothing else except your actual experiences, you’ll either be a one hit wonder or you’ll continue rehashing your stuff ad nauseum. Seriously now, how many angles can a person live in a lifetime? And by angle I don’t mean a three-month stint in a fastfood resaurant. An angle is a state of being that you live and breathe and eat. Excuse me, but when I write about prostitutes I never become one for a couple of years so’s I can live the shit. Too often, writers use their work to assuage their guilt. I’ve nothing against your trip, man, but be honest to yourself. You’re snorting that cocaine because it’s awesome and not because you’re a fucking artist.

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