marcus went to hell recently, yet he's out and about and he's smiling like he just lost his virginity.

well, he did go to hell. and he's lost his virginity long before this little story took place, and it does not concern us any longer.

in hell, he saw a red room. he saw a red room with a woman holding a knife. he saw a red room with a woman holding a knife while chanting demonic incantations probably directed at him. and behind the female demon was a small altar where he saw a poor soul chopped to pieces, ready to be consumed by the eternal flame.

hell was red and hot and full of smoke, but that was just one of the many things hell is. he also saw a piano and a carpet and a table with six chairs surrounding it, guarded by an ever-watchful hell-hound which the fearsome woman from the red room adored so much.

a much darker area of hell, without the crimson color and flame and smoke, welcomed marcus. there he saw the ruler of the underworld, seated on his filthy black throne, watching earth's modern gladiators battle it out for glory and supremacy.

"see that, m'boy?" the evil ruler looked at him with an impish grin. "that right there, is kobe bryant being kobe bryant. lebron ain't got shit."

marcus nodded, as if he had any other choice. he noticed the hell-hound named byron enter the red room with excitement, probably smelling the just-cooked meal from hell's kitchen.

"i think your dog wants first dibs on that, mrs. harrison," marcus blurted out, careful not to inhale any of that black hell-smoke which might guarantee his immediate demise.

"i'd like to refer to him as a chihuahua, thank you very much," replied mrs. harrison, who, among other things, sings songs the same way she tries to read german poems.

of course marcus couldn't say anything else, since boys who meet parents of the opposite sex for the first time are doomed to experience a period of intense awkward moments trying to earn the trust of the girl's parents. it also didn't help that the harrisons were quite suspicious of marcus, which isn't entirely marcus' fault, but his pierced lip and tattooed arm certainly helped to make, in the eyes of the harrisons, a not-so-good impression of him.

what's good about visiting the home of your girlfriend's parents is knowing that your girlfriend is also inside the house, wherever she may be. she might be locked up inside a secret room located inside a cabinet that's located inside a cabinet that's located inside the master's bedroom, for all you know. nevertheless, she's just there, somewhere.

if she were really hidden, he also could not blame the parents since, one saturday night, when they were about to fetch her after the school's annual fair, they once caught marcus and their daughter doing things to each other that are more than kissing, less than sex, but bordering as an award-winning national geographic documentary.

"now listen here, marcus. when i say 10:30 PM i mean 10:30 PM," the dark ruler commanded, with a voice coming from a mouth full of either cereal or gravel, or both. "And you better remove that thing on your lip before my daughter sees you."

the thing with demons is they were once angels too, and marcus would like to believe that the daughter of the rulers of the underworld could still produce a good one.

and they did produce a very, very good one. they named her grace, and she's full of it. marcus knew that as well.