We all know these situations:

Situation #1: You dump him, he wants you back, you don't care, he gets a new girl, you care.

Situation #2: He dumps you, you don't care (or at least do a good job of pretending not to), he moves on, now you care.

At this point, an ex-girlfriend's mission in life if to:

One, get attention from the guy, and

Two, make sure the new girlfriend knows you came first.

Girls are complex creatures and why we care about a guy we dumped is beyond me. I've gone out with a guy who was a horrible boyfriend and I dumped his sorry ass, but of course I cared about him when I realized he had moved on. I think part of the problem is that girls are just plain insecure. When the guy moves on, the ex-girlfriend is inclined to wonder "Is she better than me?"

Now, the easiest way to find out if she is better than you is to play the "let's be friends again" cards. You get the attention back and you even get to hear about this new girlfriend of his. Hopefully he has mean shit to say because we all know we feel better when we hear juicy stuff like that. Also, insist on meeting the new girlfriend. "Oooh, she sounds so nice. I wanna meet her." You know you've said it before. You know you really just wanna meet her so you can see all her shortcomings. These things will make you feel better about yourself. You also know that being introduced to the new girlfriend will piss her off. New girlfriends hate ex-girlfriends (but that's another story for another theory).

Let's say you can't meet this girlfriend right away. You can still make your presence known. Send him text messages at times of the day you know he'll be with her. Hell, even call him if you want. If your ex is tech savvy you can leave him eprops in his journal, a comment on myspace, a testimonial on Friendster or a message in his guestbook. Anywhere you know the girlfriend will see it. Oh, and if you know he hasn't introduced the new girlfriend to his parents make sure to say stuff like "Oh, I miss your mom!" Always try to add in random stuff that shows you and him and a better relationship. The new girlfriend will hate you for this.

Okay, I'm no expert on ex-girlfriends and I'm probably exaggerating a bit (or not, I know some girls who are this bad), but let's admit it ladies, we're all guilty to some extent. You know at least one time you've wondered about what his new girlfriend is like. You know some nights you wonder if he still loves you. You know sometimes you miss cuddling and all those little things. Every time your new boyfriend screws up, you think you yourself "well my ex wouldn't do that."

And to the guys reading this thinking "yeah right, my ex just wants to be friends". I say no. Sorry, but that's just not it. Unless she tried being friends with you before you started dating other girls then she's just in it for the attention and, of course, in spite of this new girl of yours. I know it makes no sense to you and that's because you're a guy. Guys don't understand girls. In fact, girls can be so complicated; it can even be hard for other girls to understand them sometimes.

Oh yeah, one last note: this theory only applies to exes you spent at least a good few months with. I doubt any girl would go crazy over a boyfriend she was with for 2 weeks.

Or maybe they would.