YUDIPOTAH

and after the immortal line came an object thrown at by MRS. LAPU LAPU, immortalized in songs and tales known as the PALAYOK. Calculating the wind speed variable, the gravity quotient, the mass ratio, the temporal displacement factor and the distance, PALAYOK came hurtling down on MR. LAPU LAPU's cranium, addling him and leaving him unconscious. FISHERMAN noted at this point that MRS. LAPU LAPU was still sore at MR. LAPU LAPU and would have 'murderized the bastard' if not for her afternoon appointment with the local gossip talk show and self help group. Seeking to revive the fallen MR. LAPU LAPU, FISHERMAN sought the help of the local herbalist and dirty old man. The local herb master lovingly referred to HERBOLARYO, then conducted a foul smelling potion which he proudly bragged as his Miracle Poultice Lotion and Sun Screen, which by Jove, can also cure rheumatism, blindness, baldness and the occasional impotence. Within a few minutes application of HERBOLARYO's Miracle Poultice Lotion, FISHERMAN was able to revive the dazed MR. LAPU LAPU. With his senses running wild and apparently gone with the wind, MR. LAPU LAPU received word that a certain MR. MAGELLAN, commander-adventurer extraordinaire of the UFOs, sought an audience with MR. LAPU LAPU to solicit a permit to CHRISTIANIZE the local heathens. MR. LAPU LAPU was aghast at the provisions and quid pro quos of this MR. MAGELLAN, for included that MR. LAPU LAPU's village reject the worship of the holy village rock and that all male heathens be circumcised. Escalating tensions at the diplomacy table erupted and MR. LAPU LAPU was verbally abused by MR. MAGELLAN, of which the commander of the UFO hurled a spate of unintelligible foreign language coupled with a single word he had learned from a bunch of local lunatics. Thus when MR. MAGELLAN said that MR. LAPU LAPU was 'PUTYONG', MR. LAPU LAPU was finally incensed and responded in one fluid motion, a well placed kick at the crotch of MR. MAGELLAN and happily heckled MR. MAGELLAN, calling him 'BAOG BAOG BAOG!' It was then decided that the two factions settle their grievanced peacefully - a little piece of bolo, a little piece of arrows and a little peace of muskets. An ensuing melee of movie proportions then erupted within the beautiful and pristine beaches of the island. In the heat of battle, since it was midday on a summer, MR. MAGELLAN was fatally wounded by a PALAYOK intended for MR. LAPU LAPU hurled by MRS. LAPU LAPU, incensed and irate at her significant other, for she had heard from the local gossip talk show and self help group, that the other women natives in the neighboring islands who got their men circumcised had had a boost in their sexual lives and MRS. LAPU LAPU was deprived of that 'pleasure' thanks to her significant other's native imperturbability and cowardice at having his dong being given a face lift by a moyel. MR. LAPU LAPU then not to be outdone and appear weak in front of his manly warriors, dealt the final blow to MR. MAGELLAN, rendering the invading alien dead, deceased, departed, lifeless, confined to push up daises. Thus the world was safe again from Martians and thus opens a new chapter in history.

VATICANUS TELEGRAMUS SERVICIUS
We convey, We convert, We circumcise. AMEN.

To: YSPANYSH YCOURT
From: Y SANTO PAPA

MENSAHY:

Sorry to hear about FERDIE's death. By the power invested in me, I give the Yspanysh Ypeople power to convert INDIOLAND into CHRISTIANITY.

Love,

PAPA

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

It is a common saying in most history books that trade follows the flag, however, it is more convetionally correct to say that flag follows the trade and then comes venereal diseases, foreign maladies and shit - in that sequence. The last to come in the parade is religion which is synonymous to GLOBAL DOMINATION <insert venerable anachronistic laugh here, and don't forget the pinky>. With religion in your brew of New World Conquests, you can't go wrong. Beads and liquors can buy you occasional serfdom, but religion brings you total and absolute control, wherein you can cow the people into submission by connecting every disaster, plague, or misfortune to the almighty wrath of your chosen supreme being. If that however does not work, we recommend you to bring an import in the shape of Torquemada. That'll teach those buggers off.

The Pamplet recovered from the Inspiration Divine Institute of Total Salvation or I.D.I.O.T.S., gives the following tips for you would be Conquistadores, both horsed and on foot, out there:

1. Have at least one deity and stick to the bastard. Multiple deities and gods and goddesses will not appeal to native tree huggers and rustics. Polytheism is the thing of the past and it is better to have one supreme being since it saves us paperwork and allows you to funnel more of the offerings into your own private retirement slush fund. Try it out next time when you conquer the world, it works and insures you have total control of your religion.

2. Cow the people. If not, try cattling them. If still does not work, you must call our hotline immediately and we will send an imported player from the High Command who is zealous, devout and has no moral qualms whatsoever. These imports will gladly tie the people in droves, put them on stakes, burn them in public and sing occasional hymns and songs of praise while the fire crackles. This ensures nonbelievers get the message that your God is more powerful not only in the metaphysical but also on the physical.

3. Feel superior, feel good. Introduce teachings that make the people slave and work for you. It gets religious fortresses up quickly that the normal paid union heathen work. It saves you from going to all the redtape enforced by the headquarters. Tax 'em while you work 'em.

4. Dead languages are the best medium to publish your holy manuals in. Not only does it provide a sense of superiority but it also makes the local understand that you are educated and you're not afraid to use it. It also provides you with a perfect alibi that the correct interpretation is your what and not their way, just in case they smarten up. If they do however smarten up, just call us and we'll send not one but two garrote machines and we'll include the executioner absolutely free. Just remember to remain smug throughout the process so that it makes you look more refined and cool.

5. Need help with something you can't humanely even understand and explain yourself? Religion provides just the write answers to that, just remember the line "THE LORD WORKS IN MYSTERIOUS WAYS!" and remember to have a lackey or a wingman to punctuate "AMEN!". Religion is a verstaile tool for getting away with mostly everything in the New World Order. Plagues? God is angry at you for you have missed novena! Natural Calamities? God is angry at you for you have not donated enough lands to the mother church. Hauntings? One of you has not embraced and converted to Christianity! Repent and Convert! Native's daughter got pregnant with yours? IT'S A MIRACLE! THE LORD REALLY DOES WORK IN MYSTERIOUS WAYS! AMEN!

6. Pyramid scams won't work in the long run. Religion scams - now there's the ticket! Boost offerings and church donations by selling penances and requirements for salvations. Install a quota, it works! It also saves you time for siesta while natives do all the slave work for you. Relax. Take a break. Enjoy your cocoa.

7. The Book is the source of all things - rules, precepts, how to eat, how to work, how to wear clothes - but not for you silly! As the one introducing the new religion, you need not follow each and single paragraph of your holy tome. What applies to the natives doesn't necessarily apply to you, after all, what would be the purpose of you establishing a religion is you can't get what you really came for, mainly: Food, Sex, Beer and sometimes gold.

8. Introduce lavish celebrations. Is possible one for every saint you can manage. It's a good way to steer the course of the country towards indolence and over-budgeting and most of all corruption. Remember, occupying a country is mostly temporary, so you must have a long range plan to maneuver the history of that country to be dependent on your country even though you do not exist as the occupier anymore.

"Why are we here anyway?!"
"Polo."
"Good!"
"Good?"
"Yup. I need a bit o' good ol' exercise anyway."
"Ex-ercis..e?"
"Aye."
"..."
"Oh, do pardon me mate, but where anyway are the horses and hammers?"
"Dumbass. We are here to work!"
"But what about polo?"
"Your in one now!"
"Well if I am indeed in one now Mr. Smartypants, where the fuckin' hell are the horses? We can't use carabaos now can we? And who are we fighting against anyway? Ooh! Are we fighting the Spaniards?"
"Fight the Spaniards?"
"Yes."
"Now why didn't I think of that! You are a genius!"
"Thanks mate. I knew I had it in me. So when do we start playing polo?"
"We don't have to."
"Bugger. I was hoping to fight me some Spaniards."
"We will fight and win against them!"
"Good. I'm pretty good in Polo you see. Been practicin' you know."
"Fuck polo!"
"If you're not playing then, I will! And I'll beat those Spaniards and there red arses!"
"You're a moron."
"And what are you? A dumb fuck?"
"Oh shit! This a way comes one of our colonial oppressors, quick hand me that hammer!"
"And since when did you get interested in Polo? A moment ago you said you didn't want to play?"
"Shut the bloody hell up!"
"Well. Getting stingy are we now?"
"Allright! I'll play polo with you! Afterwards you can help me start a revolution!"
"All rightey! That's the spirit mate! But how will a revolution help win a game against the Spanish later on?"

 

 

Good morning ladies and gentlemen and welcome once again to the show, I am your host, Johnny Gomez, welcoming you once again to another exciting episode of DST, Late Naman -- the hottest, juiciest, raciest obitua... er... talk show this side of the world. Today we have a very exciting episode in stored for you viewers out there. Special guests here today are the superheroes of Flip Pop Culture both underground and mainstream, so please give them a hand!

Great to have each and everyone of you here tonight, a real pleasure to have you despite your very busy schedules. So let's start with you - the amazing and fabulous and miraculous Dr. Jose Rizal.

Graciano & Marcelo: *coughs* bullshit...

Rizal: It's great to be here Johnny.

JG: So, doctor, how is our silent war with the evil empire progressing? Will we see an end to the dark and evil empire? When will this be?

Rizal: Well, Johnny... it's not exactly coming according to plan as I have mathematically calculated, I mean I am a busy man Johnny, and I mean busy busy busy. I am of course also busy with my propaganda movement with my two buddies here, Marcelo and Graciano.

JG: Great to have you two here tonight sirs. The Wonderman from Bulacan and Superboy of Iloilo.

Graciano & Marcelo: Wonder twin powers activated! WIP