Waiting for the rain to fall is keeping me awake, tired to the bone though I am. So, to while away the time, I have been listening to the "School Answering Machine" file I've picked up off my cousin Lia's Facebook links and worked on composing a similar spiel for corrupt, inefficient or downright useless government agencies (you may let your imagination go where it may at this juncture).

Here is what my wandering, exhausted and upset mind scrabbled from the detritus of my thoughts:

Mabuhay. Mamatay. We could care less. However, now that your finger is a raw and bloody stump from interminably pressing the redial button, you must know by now that you have (bored yawn) reached the (put name of agency here). If you are a masochist and like the pain, please stay on the line and listen to our worthless chatter before pressing the number of your choice.

If you want to hear lies about where your hard-earned tax money goes, press 1

If you want those lies to be plausible, press 2

If you wish for a refund of the tax money we have shamelessly pocketed and won't ever return to you, press 3

If you want to reach out and slap, punch or kick a corrupt government official (stage whisper: in your dreams!) press 4

If you want to swear and rant ineffectually at a state lackey, press 5

If you want to complain yet again and waste your time on worthless people, press 6

If you want to make a recommendation we will most likely ignore, press 7

If you are dying on a rooftop in rain and floods and need assistance, press 8 so we can put you on hold for four days

If you want to demand government services you believe you are entitled to but are unlikely to ever get in your lifetime, press 9

If you are are willing to fund expensive dinners in chi-chi restos overseas, press 0 and we will connect you with the Big Zero immediately.

Oh, and if you want the truth, call a government agency that actually tells it.

Thank you for calling (insert name of agency here). We are never of any service to you. Now go away.