What if tonight is my last night? What if tomorrow I wouldn’t wake up? What if my dream tonight, whatever it is, is my last dream? What if tonight’s sleep is the last time I would close my eyes? What if? I am suddenly thinking of so many things now. Did I live my life to the fullest? Am I satisfied with how I lived my life, with every single thing that I have done? Have I appreciated all the beautiful things I always have in my life from sunrise to sundown? Have I thanked all the people who never left my side when I was terribly down? Have I said all the words necessary for me to say? Have I forgiven all those people who have hurt me? Have I written enough that my memory would last a little longer than ten years? I am afraid that I have missed so much today. I was not able to see the sunrise earlier today. I can’t even remember the last time I saw one. I haven’t even seen the sunset either. I can’t remember myself saying I-love-you to Mama today. I haven’t even have a good talk or two with my brothers and sisters today. I haven’t asked them about school and how things are doing so far? I got so busy with planning about my future lately and yet nothing was working well. I haven’t taken Buffy a bath today. It has been months now since her last bath. I haven’t seen a single friend today. I haven’t asked them how their day was, or how they were doing. I haven’t thanked Papa for treating and loving me like his own son. Even if I’m not. I haven’t seen my biological father in years now. I wish I could tell him I still love him even though he never had been a father to me. And how my other sisters and brothers doing with him? Yeah, I haven’t even finished reading Everyday Blessing. I’m wondering if, just in case tonight is my last night, would I be remembered? How many people would cry because I would be forever gone? Would they cry enough? How many friends would come and say their condolences? What would be the songs they would play? And the most important of all, where would my soul go if tonight is my last night? Would there be heaven or hell waiting for me? What would be the name of the Angel of Death that would come for me? Or would he have a name at all? Is my faith enough that I would be in heaven, or not enough that I would go somewhere else? What if no one would like my presence, whether in heaven or hell? Where would I go then? Would my soul be floating around the earth, drowning some more loneliness as if waiting for another death? I look up the sky tonight. I have noticed the moon is not there. The stars are few. The world is dead silent. What a lonely night to die. Why dying is such a lonely thing? Perhaps it is because there are so many things I haven’t done yet. And there are so many wonderful people I’m going to miss so much. And if ever tonight is the last night…yes, if ever it is…I only pray for one thing. That is, God would let me sing and dance before His holy feet before they send me to wherever I would have to be. # June 30, 2008